[Novices] [Fwd: How to Install Software]

[Bruce Smith]

Are you going to give a presentation on this?  :-)

 - BS


> > How To Install Software, a 12-Step Program
> > 
> > 
> > 1.) Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
> > explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
> > 
> > 
> >   It should look something like this:
> > 
> >   SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:
> > 
> >   2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
> >   628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
> >   719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
> >   3546 MB RAM
> >   432323 MB ROM
> >   05948737 MB RPM
> >   ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
> >   2 TURTLE DOVES
> >   NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
> > 
> > 
> > 2.) Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
> > contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
> > troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
> > 
> > 3.) Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
> > 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that
> > says: LICENSING AGREEMENT:
> > 
> > By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms
> > and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as
> > the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of
> > the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and
> > conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary
> > and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine
> > the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel
> > like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible
> > by the dawn's early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers.
> > 
> > 4.) Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
> > child), please install this on my computer."
> > 
> > 5.) If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
> > appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
> > 
> > 
> > 6.) Turn the computer on, you idiot.
> > 
> > 
> > 7.) Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
> > 
> > 8.) You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the
> > following message should appear on your screen:
> > The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be
> > the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be
> > honest:
> > 
> >                 Yes!     Sure!
> > 
> > 
> > 9.) After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a
> > very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.
> > Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that
> > when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new
> > device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the
> > installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories,
> > sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of
> > mysterious files with names like "puree.exe", "fester.dat" and "doo.wha."
> > 
> > 10.) When the installation program is finished, your screen should display
> > the following message:
> > 
> > 
> > CONGRATULATIONS !
> > 
> > The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
> > computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
> > 
> > 
> > If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of
> > breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately
> > 
> > *!@!$)$%@&*)$*!#$_$*&
> > 
> > 
> > 11.) At this point your computer system should become less functional than
> > the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
> > 
> > 
> > 12.) Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and
> > wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear,
> > step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.